


Complex Courtship Methods

by fujoshism (fancypineapple)



Series: Mooncakes Series [3]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, OT12 EXO, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 15:06:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9446858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fancypineapple/pseuds/fujoshism
Summary: [Originally posted on March 25, 2014]Minseok's birthday quietly approaches, and Lu Han vanishes in a quest for a suitable birthday present. EXO is left to deal with the consequences.





	

**Author's Note:**

> repost from my lj fic comm, fujoshism. written for xiumin's bday back then.

One sunny, beautiful day, EXO members wake up to one of their very own colleagues, the natural beauty gentleman Lu Han, all packed up and dressed in khakis. By the way, the actual sunny and beautiful part of the day hadn’t started yet; it was four in the morning. Some of the members had been woken up by a deafening noise in the living room; some others had just sensed that one of their less sane components was about to pull off something questionable.

“I must depart.” Lu Han declares when five of his eleven bandmates – most of them can’t be woken up by things as feeble as noises or sixth senses, it seems – rise in their sleepwear to find him ready for a safari. “In a quest. I won’t be back until I attain my objective. Farewell, my companions, for I might not come back.”

“Where did you learn to talk like that,” Baekhyun deadpans.

“Where are you going!” Tao asks/shouts/objects in a shrill voice.

“What do you seek?” Chanyeol wisely asks, attempting to imitate Gandalf’s voice but failing due to accumulated sleepiness. “What is that you seek, young fellow?” He will not give up on Gandalf so easily.

“I must find a present suitable for my… my… b-best bro forever!” Lu Han declares, raising his fist on the air, cheeks slightly pink. “Simple things won’t cut it. I have to step up my game. And I will,” he slams his pumped up fist against the wall. Another bandmate might be joining them soon. “Or I’ll die trying!”

“Oh dear,” Chanyeol is forced to forget about Gandalf.

“You can’t die,” Kyungsoo states simply, staring at Lu Han with eyes wide with what could be shock, but could also be anger. Or both. “You don’t have the right to die. Your soul isn’t even yours. It’s the company’s.”

“I shan’t waste another minute!!” Lu Han ignores them, and grabs his apparently heavy backpack, putting them on. “I must be off immediately if I want to be in South America before the sunrise. Don’t try to contact me; you won’t succeed.” He puts his safari hat on, and shoots his bandmate a final, teary look. Then, he turns his head to gaze into the hallway, eyes locking with a certain bedroom door. “Farewell, Minseok. I hope to be back soon.” Switching back to his normal voice (not the lovesick one) he bids EXO goodbye. “Adios.”

And takes off by foot, diligently locking the front door.

The first morning bird crows outside, way too early and way too loud. Five members of EXO stand still in the living room when one of the bedroom doors creaks open, and Junmyeon takes a peek outside, face covered in a green moisturizing face mask.

Even though there are cucumber slices over his eyes, and therefore he can’t see the expressions of shock and emptiness of his younger colleagues, he sighs. “Don’t tell me just yet,” he grumbles. “Right now, it’s better not to know.”

 

 

 

… however, as a leader, he can’t just avoid the subject forever. So, when he properly wakes up, several hours and a cup of instant coffee later, he’s ready to hear it.

“Lu Han took off to South America.”

Or maybe he isn’t ready, after all.

“You could’ve killed him,” Chanyeol reprehends Tao while helping Kyungsoo and Jongdae to clear Junmyeon’s airways.

“Honesty is the best policy,” Tao shrugs, unaffected.

“It’s okay, I’m okay—I’m okay,” Junmyeon gets up from the floor, voice a little rough, but alive, despite the situation. He clears his throat, and tastes coffee, as well as despair. “So—so Lu Han took off to South America,” his voice quivers a little. “ _Why_?!”

The five witnesses – Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Jongdae, Tao, and Kyungsoo – nod in differing degrees of aggravation.

“He just packed up and left,” Baekhyun’s voice is calm, but his face says he’d rather reset his life.

“He said he was going to South America,” Chanyeol seems to be trying to make reason of that mess.

“He was dressed in khakis and had a compass with him,” Jongdae, emergency member of the fashion police, communicates.

“He said he was going to find a present for his,” Tao makes a show out of his air quotes. “ _Best bro forever_.”

“Soon it’ll be Minseok hyung’s birthday,” Kyungsoo offers the last piece of the puzzle for Junmyeon to take. “He must be planning something grand.”

Junmyeon looks pale. Even paler than he usually is, which makes him a worrisome shade of translucent grey. “Something grand, yeah,” he repeats feebly to himself. Sounds in the hallway denounce that someone else has woken up. Junmyeon turns manic. “Don’t. Don’t breathe a word about this to the fans. Don’t let anyone know. _Please_.”

“Roger that,” Jongdae obediently nods. The others follow his gesture solemnly.

“And,” a thought crosses Junmyeon’s mind. “And also… maybe we shouldn’t let Minseok know either.” He sweats a little. “To honor Lu Han’s… uh, courageous act.”

“… roger that.” Their voices have a hint of hesitation to them.

 

 

News spread quietly, through whispers in the practice room and secret talks with their managers. One of them ends up needing medical assistance. Sehun almost ruins the whole plan when he bursts out in laughter in the vocal practice room, where Minseok is rehearsing a soulful performance of Super Bass.

“ _He what_ ,” Sehun stage whispers as Tao tries to shut him up, shooting Minseok an apologetic look. Minseok only looks mildly curious; soon, he loses interest, and shifts his focus back to his iPod. “You’re shitting me, Zitao.”

“It’d be hard to make this kind of thing up,” Tao shoots Sehun a grave stare. “Remember – not a word to hyung, okay?”

“Which hyung?” the whisper sends Tao flying through the generations, only to fall right on top of Sehun’s folded legs. Sehun curses. Minseok snickers at his own prank, crouching cutely near the spot where Tao had been sitting. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you that much. What are you guys planning?”

“Uh…” Sehun shoots Tao a glance. Minseok raises his brows, urging him on. “… nothing…?”

Minseok does not react to the poorly told lie. He just stays there, crouching, tiny arms around his bent knees, smiling at them as if he could read their minds. The maknaes started trying to blank out their minds and attain the nirvana. Eventually, Minseok moves.

“Hm,” he said, raising one brow in cheeky suspicion, then got up to his feet. “Okay.”

And he turned his back to them, starting the arrangements for his performance. Both Sehun and Tao let out a huge, albeit silence, breath of relief.

“There’s a supernatural entity forcing me to keep secret,” Sehun states with wide eyes, hand over his chest as an attempt to calm his heart.

“It’s Lu Han,” Tao hisses ominously. “He’s gone, but he’s _here_.” A pause. Minseok raps in the distance. “I hope he’s hearing this.”

 

 

The managers repeatedly attempt to contact Lu Han, but it’s useless. Cellphone is out of service. No sign in the GPS. No postcards from him, and the messenger pigeons return with the ‘COME BACK NOW’ notes still attached to their legs. It’s state of emergency in the dorm, since EXO aren’t exactly on vacation, and you can only fake a celebrity’s cold for long enough before the fans start climbing in the windows to make sure no one’s dead yet.

And it’s hard to reassure them without any info on Lu Han’s status. He might as well be dead. He could also be hitchhiking in the Amazon forest, or gambling in Uruguay, or just drowning somewhere. Or getting eaten by piranhas. After the fourth day, most of EXO are hoping he’s really getting eaten by piranhas.

“If anyone asks me to replace hyung on schedule stuff one more time,” Jongin confides to Junmyeon, dark circles under his eyes making his gaze slightly manic. “I’m going to die. I’m going to catch on fire, and die, and burn all of his clothes while dying.”

Junmyeon gives him a reassuring hug. “Please don’t,” he pleads silently. “Or we’ll have to start sending Kris to variety shows.”

Despite the shade coming from the least probable source, Kris has been more helpful than anyone else during this entire Lu Han fiasco. While, when questioned, the other EXO members can’t get past the flu excuse without hesitating a litte, Kris is the only one calm enough to make bizarre theories up on spot every time they get asked about their Chinese colleague.

“He had a fight with the sun and they’re in bad terms now.”

“He’s trying to become one with his wardrobe.”

“He’s a weremoose. Right now, he’s in his moose form, locked in his room so he doesn’t stomp on anyone.”

Fans are slightly worried, but variety TV just loves him. The man can pull out a whole astronomic explanation as to why Lu Han is a moose right out of his ass. He’s a machine. And he’s saving the rest of the group from even trying to explain.

There are some situations, though, that not even Kris can save them from.

“Guys,” Minseok suddenly arrives at the living room, startling almost everyone out of their bodies. “Any news from Lu Han? My calls don’t get through.”

Kyungsoo glances at Yixing. Yixing glances at Kris. Kris glances at Baekhyun, who glances at Kyungsoo, at Kris, then at Minseok. “Uh, not really.” Another glance to Kris, and to Kyungsoo. _Help me_. “He’s probably being monopolized, y’know. Family reunions, all those uncles and aunts and cousins and whatever else. Can’t even catch a break to leave the phone charging.”

“He told the manager he’s fine though,” Kyungsoo tries to help. “A… while ago.” Uncertain glance to the side. Baekhyun doesn’t look away. “Via SMS.”

Minseok’s brows curve down sadly. “That’s weird. He hasn’t replied to any of my messages.” He has his own phone in hands, and briefly checks for new messages that could’ve arrived in this short interval.

“I talked to him some days ago.” To everyone’s surprise, it’s not Kris who calmly lies this time: it’s Yixing, who had kept absolutely quiet about the issue for a long time. “He said the connection is bad there. But he’s going to buy souvenirs for everyone.”

Minseok gives Yixing a small smile, but there’s a hint of sulkiness at the very corners of his lips. “I see…” he sighs, checking his phone again. “Uh, if you happen to contact him again… can you ask him not to bring too many?”

Yixing lets out a small chuckle. “Sure.”

 

 

Within minutes after Minseok leaves the room, the other three are hit by the realization that it’s too late to ask Lu Han to tone it down. It’s too late to ask him anything. _There’s nothing they can do to prevent another mooncakes incident_.

 

 

 

One week. One entire week with one of their frontmen gone. It’s not a long time for an international trip, but it feels like eternity to a group that’s having to send their less variety-savvy members to the radio just to give the popular ones a rest. South Korea is one step away from finding out that EXO is made of a bunch of dweebs (one of which has recently found his fate as fancy dinner for a bunch of piranhas). The managers are about to give up on hope.

March 25, year of 2014. It’s late at night, and they’re finally getting a heavily sought-after break, but their souls are still tired. Kris is running out of excuses. Junmyeon has turned permanently grey. Minseok is often seen with his cellphone in hands, sitting in the corners, apparently worried about the lack of contact from his missing friend, but looking exactly like a sullen child. If there’s one thing EXO can cheer up over, it’s the fact that Minseok still thinks Lu Han is in China, visiting all his relatives because something happened (someone died, someone’s sick, versions vary from member to member).

Anyway, the clock is about to tick away the last minutes of the day. Some of them believe Lu Han to be dead. Some of them nervously expect him to burst through the door the moment it hits midnight. Some fear that he might be late for Minseok’s birthday, but will show up alive nonetheless, and they’ll all laugh it off and go back to their normal lives. Deep inside, some suspect that Lu Han is just collecting enough material to reprise the mooncakes incidents, only this time with alfajors.

And yet, despite all the theories, all that actually happens is the horrible nothing. Time ticks forward, inching closer to midnight, and no cellphones go off. No one rings the doorbell. No sound of steps, no fans screaming. Will it end like this? Will they just wait forever, for days and months and years to go, and no one will ever arrive?

Just as everyone is slowly sinking into melodrama, the clock finally hits midnight, and the front door bursts open with a bang.

Absolutely everyone jumps up, even Junmyeon, who looks about to pass out from the startle. An ungodly amount of dirt invades the living room carpet, and a slight stench of sweat comes from the small, dirty, sunburnt figure standing at the door. It is, predictably, Lu Han. He’s firmly clutching the straps of his safari backpack, panting slightly from the journey, and my God did he burn. Flakes of dead skin are peeling off his nose and cheeks. The managers pass out instantly.

“I’M HOME,” he screams in a hoarse voice. With a kick, he closes the front door behind him, and then notices that all his bandmates are staring at him without even blinking. Grinning tiredly, he opens his arms for a group hug. “My friends!”

What he gets is several punches on miscellaneous parts of his body.

 

 

Thirty punches, one wrestling match, one shower and one exfoliating session later, Lu Han is almost back to his usual boyband-member self, if you choose to ignore the damaged hair and even more damaged skin. The managers were successfully reanimated, only to be properly put to sleep this time, so they can at least rest and deal with Lu Han’s ruined image in the morning.

“Happy birthday, Minseok-ah,” is the first thing Lu Han says once he’s reintroduced to society by EXO’s fashion police. He smells like soap and lotion now, but no amount of scrubbing will ever cleanse the greasiness of his soul. “I brought you a present!! Come with me!”

Minseok shoots a glance at his bandmates. _Help me_ , the glance says timidly as Minseok follows Lu Han nonetheless. The other members, jaded by all their previous experience with Lu Han and special presents, follow their eldest members diligently, prepared to fight for their lives against a tidal wave of South American delicacies.

Instead of pulling out mountains of alfajors from his supposedly infinite backpack, though, what Lu Han does pull out is an elaborate trinket, a funnel supported by thin metal hastes, inside of which Lu Han puts a conical sheet of paper.

“What is he doing,” Baekhyun whispers to no one in particular.

“Black magic,” Tao answers.

“Brazilian voodoo,” Jongdae specifies.

Lu Han seems not to hear them. His hands shake slightly when he fetches a small plastic bag from his backpack, and rips it open. With a strange spoon-like conical gadget, he scoops some of the bag’s content – a dark, brownish powder – onto the paper sheet. One scoop, two scoops, three scoops. Everyone jumps a little when the whistle of a kettle starts out of the blue – who knew the kettle was on – and Lu Han rushes to turn the fire off, as well as to fetch one of their few porcelain cups.

Placing the cup right under the conical, powder-filled structure, Lu Han straightens his spine, puts a hand behind his back… and elegantly pours boiling water on the powder, describing circles to spread the liquid evenly. The scent rises up instantly.

Coffee. Lu Han went to South America to buy _coffee_. Has he ever heard of online shopping? Evidence says nope.

“Wow,” Minseok’s eyes are wide. They’re so wide they threaten to swallow the world. Raising his head a little, Minseok sniffs the air. “It smells delicious!!”

“I picked them myself,” Lu Han says, his usual dreamy looking-at-Minseok expression apparently aggravated by the prolonged absence. “And roasted them myself, too. A Guatemalan farmer taught me how to do it. This is one of the most critically acclaimed beans in the world, and this particular blend,” as he finished pouring water, Lu Han puts the kettle aside, gallantly picking the cup up and offering it to Minseok. “Is unique. Tailor-made for you.”

Minseok blushes visibly. EXO melts in a gooey puddle of admiration and jealousy.

“Umin hyung is so cute,” Chanyeol whimpers.

“I wish I had a,” Tao’s air quotes are once again grand. “‘ _best bro forever_ ’ like that.”

“I hope it doesn’t taste bad,” Kyungsoo is always rooting for everyone’s happiness.

The air stands still when Minseok sniffs the coffee. A small smile blossoms on his lips, and he closes his eyes, as if to appreciate the sensation better. Everyone nervously watches as Minseok slowly brings the cup to his lips, blows the liquid softly to cool it down a little, and finally, finally!, takes a small sip.

It’s indeed a small sip, just enough for him to taste. He smacks his lips, licks them a little, and takes another sip, eyes already brightened with delight. As he swallows the coffee, the smile grows wider, and a sound of contentment escapes from his lips.

“It’s—it’s delicious,” he tells Lu Han, entering a coffee-induced bliss. “Wow, it’s _really_ good. I’m spoiled forever for coffee, Lu Han. This is absolutely delicious.”

Lu Han looks like he might faint from too much happiness. “I’m glad you like it,” his voice comes out dripping honey. If there’s a chance, he’ll probably float away to the infinity of lovesick heaven. “I can always go back there and make more—”

“NO!!!!!” The other members scream in horror, and Minseok laughs, almost snorting Extermely Expensive coffee in the process. Lu Han too chuckles, even though he seems not to have noticed that the joke is on him.

“Don’t worry. I’m not really _that_ spoiled,” Minseok says, drinking another sip. However, as if feeling he hasn’t said enough to persuade Lu Han not to move to Guatemala to become a coffee farmer, he’s quick to add. “Besides, if I’m with you, every kind of coffee tastes delicious.”

A pause. Lu Han is shaking. Someone belatedly makes a gagging sound, and it spreads like wildfire. Lu Han shoots them a slightly frowny look, but it’s as menacing as a hamster wearing a bright pink bow on its head. Minseok pretends to ignore the elaborate vomiting act that his group mates are performing, but the corners of his mouth are curved upwards.

 

 

 

Lu Han goes to bed first, possibly to pass out for the first time since his South American quest. One by one, the members go to bed – Junmyeon, who has a potent facemask on to erase the stress wrinkles, goes first, followed by Jongin, Tao, and Jongdae. Kris and Yixing only go to bed after listening to Baekhyun’s reenacting of Kris’ weremoose-like excuses, and Sehun looks like he might be the next victim, dozing off on Chanyeol’s shoulder as the latter tries to compose a rhapsody in Lu Han’s honor.

“But hyung – okay, you tasted the coffee, and you told him it’s delicious…” Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are doing a special episode of the BaekD talkshow, interviewing Minseok in front of Sehun’s cellphone camera. “But just between us, as a backstage secret… was it really that good?”

Minseok hasn’t stopped grinning since he tasted the coffee. At the question, he raises one brow cheekily, making him look like he knows a joke no one is on.

“Well,” he shrugs. “It was better than the mooncakes.”

Chanyeol strums his guitar ominously.


End file.
